What I Want...

I was talking to my mother the other day, when she asked me what I'm sure she thought was a simple question:

"What do you want for Christmas?"

She probably didn't realize that recently, figuring out what I want is one of the main things I do with my time. I honestly have a very hard time figuring out what it is that I want, what makes me happy.

I think I can recognize the problem. Over the last several years, I have tried to school myself to accept what comes along. In particular, accepting the consequences of my actions and those things I have no control over. And I believe that is a good quality, really, as it helps me to avoid undue stress. Unfortunately, I think I have carried it too far, as I'm so used to accepting what comes along, that I don't know what I want to have happen anymore.

So, in furtherance of trying to find out what I like and what I want, I've begun a process of eliminations. I'm taking a look at hobbies or interests I currently have and trying to decide if it's something I want to continue, that I really like, or if I should get rid of it. I'm also trying to pay attention to other things that I may enjoy, and give them a try, just to see if it will work for me.

We'll see if this works.

Excitement!

Sorry, Mom, probably not the kind of excitement you're hoping for.

I went to the local comic shop today because the latest issue of Buffy the Vampire Slayer came out today. That immediately made today a pretty good day.

It got better.

I saw a poster for an upcoming concert for one of my favorite singers: Pat Benatar. Coming up soon, in fact. To be exact, October 12. Next Friday. So I thought I'd take a look and see what ticket prices were running at, just to see if going would be even possible.

I bought a ticket.

It's a relatively small venue. Not an arena, by any stretch of the imagination. And I'll be on the ground floor, 21 rows back. And the ticket cost me $38. $50, after taxes and fees. And for a great seat!

And to make that weekend even better, I have that Saturday off, and my parents are coming down to visit. And we may go see a movie, if we can talk Dad into going to the theater. He might agree to see the third Pirates movie, since he loved the first one.

So I've got a couple pretty good weeks coming up.

At least I think so.

Interesting week...

Who would have thought that a warm shower could save my sanity this week?

It's really been kind of a crappy week. Nothing seems to have gone right for me, which, looking back now, can be attributed to a nice little bout with depression.

Said depression this week was probably the worst I've ever had it. I think I actually frightened one of my coworkers. I won't go into how, because I don't want to scare anybody else.

Sorry, no details for you.

One of the things that went wrong this week was that starting last Sunday, I didn't have hot water. And my back had gone out. So every time I went to take a shower, my body would tense up, making my back even worse. I don't mind cold showers, but I would prefer to choose when I take one, and I wouldn't choose to take one every day.

And then on Friday, I had a couple rough calls at work, early on. Usually after a rough call, I'll take a couple seconds to recover and then I'm okay. Unfortunately, one of my supervisors, who also trained me, was walking by and asked if I was okay. Of course, as soon as someone asked, I wasn't okay anymore. So I had a nice little breakdown and I had to walk away from my desk for a few minutes to recover again.

Back to the cold showers: they had actually been affecting my mood a little after the third day of them. I had filed a service request over the internet and was told that someone would contact me. By Friday, I was feeling pretty ignored and unwanted, really. I had a management company in the last apartment I rented that ignored a service order until I moved out. So I figured I had another management company that didn't care.

During my last break on Friday, I managed to find the complex office's phone number and called just to see if they had received my request. They hadn't, but Amber, the office person, said that she would get someone on the job and mark it urgent. I thought, okay, I'll have hot water next week, at least I can have that to look forward to. Well, I got home, and I could tell someone had been there, so I turned on the water, and I had hot.

I immediately took a 20 minute, nice warm shower.

And my entire day improved by a lot.

So yes, a shower saved my sanity this week. I wouldn't go so far as to say it saved my life, but it saved my sanity.

So hey, sane Adam.

.....Crap.

Okay, so, I've been reading a particular series of books over and over again since the first time my first year at Dixie. It's called the Wheel of Time. I keep reading the series because the series keeps going. The last book that came out was book number eleven.

After the 11th book, I started looking online to see how long the series was going to be. I read on the site, unofficial, but with input from the author, that Robert Jordan promised the series would end in book number twelve, even if it was two thousand pages long. So I thought, okay, I can wait a while for that book, since it will end the series.

Now I wonder if the series will ever get finished. You see, I found out today that Mr. Jordan passed away at 2:45 PM. He apparently had a serious disease called cardiac amyloidosis. I don't know what it involves, but he had been fighting this disease for quite some time.

And as much as I would like to be able to extend my condolences to his family, I still can't help but wonder, "Will the series ever get finished?"

Crap.

Tidbits...

There are people, and I've known one or two, who are so determined to be different from those around them that they go out of their way to tell you how different they are. All the time. It's all they talk about. To listen to them, the only music worth listening to is what they listen to. Nothing else matters. They are the only people around with any sort of fashion sense. Only they know what is cool or worth liking.

And yet, if you take the time to listen to their likes and come across something new they may enjoy, they come back and say, "Why does everyone think I like that band, or that style? I hate it!" Never appreciating the fact that you attempted to give them something new to enjoy, based on their tastes.

That bugs me.

Also? I really don't enjoy the sensation of vomiting. I've suffered through two occasions in the last couple weeks where I've started dry-heaving. The first was when I flew into the Phoenix airport on a 19 passenger plane. The next was this week, when I caught some sort of bug and woke up feeling ill. So I called into work, and as soon as I got off the phone, I had to run to the bathroom and started dry-heaving again. Luckily, I guess, both times I didn't have anything in my stomach to get rid of. Man, I really don't like throwing up. I don't know anyone who does, of course. I don't think even those poor people who suffer from bulimia actually enjoy the process of throwing up. I think that this is the first time since I was on my mission that I have actually gone through the process of throwing up.

Also? I thought you weren't supposed to be able to read in your dreams. Granted, I don't often remember my dreams, but last night I do remember reading a license plate, and knowing it wasn't mine, though the car that had been destroyed looked like mine. Maybe it's because it was a license plate, which is just random letters and numbers, but I distinctly remember reading the plate, and thinking, in my dream, that I wasn't supposed to be able to read that plate. And that is what woke me up.

Also? I like shakes. Especially chocolate.

Just Another Reason....

...as if I really needed one.

I tend to stay up late. I kind of think it's genetic, as most of my siblings have similar habits.

As part of my tendency to stay up late, I tend to want to do my grocery shopping late at night, sometimes after midnight.

As it turns out, it is impossible to find a grocery store that stays open past midnight in the near vicinity of Mesa, AZ.

I spent 40 minutes tonight, trying to find a grocery store. I didn't have a whole lot to buy, but I wanted to find a grocery store, as convenience stores don't tend to carry creme soda, something that sounded really good tonight.

So after 40 frickin' minutes of driving around, I gave up, and bought a Coke and a two liter bottle of root beer. And the root beer isn't even chilled.

I can't wait to move, really. Even the Super Walmarts close at 11PM here.

So, where?

I think I shocked my mother the other day. I told her that I was thinking of moving from Mesa, AZ. I just moved here in March. A good part of the reason for moving is because I find the summer here absolutely unbearable. I would much rather deal with a cold winter than a hot summer.

But, of course, that's only part of the reason.

Another part is the fact that my good friend, possibly my best friend, Julie, is considering a move to the Portland area of Oregon. I like Oregon, and I thought, hey, that sounds like a cool place to live, plus the universities in that neighborhood have great Spanish-type Masters programs.

But the main reason for moving in that direction is the fact that at this point in my life, I really, really don't want to live that far away from her. In fact, if, all of a sudden she decided to go somewhere else, I would find myself changing my mind about where I want to live pretty quickly.

It almost scares me, really, but I find it kind of hard to imagine living anywhere she isn't. It's killing me to be here in Arizona right now while she is where she's at. Almost physically painful.

And yes, she'll probably want to hurt me for not telling her this personally. But oh well, I hope she enjoys reading this.

Oh, and Mom? Don't get too excited. There's still a long way to go.