Wednesday, July 28, 2010


...are my friends.

I've been reading for a very, very long time. In the journal my mother kept, she says that I was reading pre-kindergarten.

I remember being addicted to the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew book series at an early age. I read the ones I owned and the ones in the library over and over.

In fact, most books I love I read over and over. I probably go through my book collection, for the most part, once a year. I get very attached to the characters in these books. They are almost real to me.

Rather than ruining some of the plot twists, my intimate knowledge of what's coming enhances my enjoyment of the reading experience. For example, in the original Dragonlance trilogy by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman, one of the principal characters dies early in the third book. Rather than ruining the moment, when I come across the early clues to his death I get emotional. Sometimes my eyes tear up so much I can't read for a couple minutes. And then when he dies, it takes me about 10 minutes to recover.

I'm also a very fast reader. When I read, it's almost like a movie running in front of my eyes. At least in English.

At the beginning of the summer, I set a goal to read several specific books by the end of the summer. It's close enough now that I can say I'm not going to get there. Rather than beat myself up about what I didn't get done, I thought I'd list what books I did read this summer.
  1. On Writing by Stephen King
  2. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the six book series) by Douglas Adams
  3. Dragonsinger by Anne McCaffrey
  4. Dragonsong by Anne McCaffrey
  5. On a Pale Horse by Piers Anthony
  6. The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum
  7. The Bourne Supremacy by Robert Ludlum
  8. The Bourne Ultimatum by Robert Ludlum
  9. The Road by Cormac McCarthy
  10. Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop
  11. Heir to the Shadows by Anne Bishop
  12. Queen of Darkness by Anne Bishop
  13. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
  14. The Summer of Black Widows by Sherman Alexie
  15. Elantris by Brandon Sanderson
  16. The Harry Potter books (all seven) by J.K. Rowling
  17. Lots of comic book graphic novels, including: Ex Machina by Brian K. Vaughan and Tony Harris (2 volumes), Blackest Night and Blackest Night: Green Lantern by Geoff Johns and various artists, and PS 238 by Aaron Williams (7 volumes).
So, by my count, I've read 38+ books this summer. So far. I read constantly, so I'm sure I'll get through at least two or three more by the end of summer.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I don't have a particularly easy time making new friends. I'm an intensely loyal person, but also intensely private. I hold on to friends I've previously made and it takes me a long time to open up and trust acquaintances to the point that I consider them a friend.

Point of fact, about once a month I spend an hour or so trying to track down my best friend from the 2nd grade. His family moved to California.

I've noticed a recent trend. I realize everybody has their own life. I also realize that working a graveyard shift makes it difficult to figure out when I might be available. However, it's starting to bug me that with all my friends, I'm the one that has to initiate any sort of activity.

In fact, it's starting to make me a little bitter.

Out of my family, the only one that reciprocates initiation of contact is my little sister. We'll send texts back and forth. We'd spend time together, but she lives in Aurora, CO. We get together when we can.

With the few friends I have that are relatively close by, I have to suggest getting together. I have to follow up and make sure schedules sync up. I text and call back and forth with these friends, which is great, but when it comes to actually getting together, it's all on my shoulders.

I try not to be bitter and to accept things as they come, but that gets rather lonely, so I have to start being to one constantly calling and bugging people.

It makes me feel a little like the little kid from next door who constantly knocks and says, "Can he come out and play?"

Oh well.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Songs That Make Me Emotional (Part Three)

Once again, I'm veering just a little from the central idea of these posts. This one will be short. And it's about a song that makes me giggle.

Yes, I am a manly man and I openly admit that I giggle. I giggle, I laugh, I guffaw. It's all fair game to me. I like the rush of endorphins that I get when I laugh. Or giggle. Or guffaw. It really helps when I'm in the midst of a depression.

So, anyway, the song I want to discuss is called "I Get Off" by Halestorm.

Halestorm is a fairly recent discovery. They're a rock group with a female lead. In this song, the lead sings that she knows her male neighbor is watching her get undressed through her window. But she doesn't mind. In fact, she makes sure her light is on and the drapes opened so that he can see better.

The chorus starts "I get off on you getting off on me." I think the lead might just be trying to be Lita Ford. That's the impression I get anyway. The song is a rocking song that is just a little naughty.

And it makes me giggle.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Songs That Make Me Emotional (Part Two)...

...Can you break a format with the second article in a series? If so, I'm breaking the format just a little. I'm going to talk about two different versions of the same song.

What song? "Over the Rainbow." I know that have been many, many interpretations of this classic song. The two I want to discuss are the original, as performed by Judy Garland in the 1939 musical "The Wizard of Oz." The other is Matthew Morrison's interpretation from the TV show "Glee." So, basically, the oldest and the newest versions of the song.

And yes, I like both versions. A lot.

I'm a big fan of "The Wizard of Oz," both the 1900 book written by L. Frank Baum and the 1939 movie. I like both for different reasons, but I do like them both. The last 5 or 6 times I've watched the movie, when Judy starts singing "Over the Rainbow," I've gotten choked up. There's a purity to her performance. She feels it. You can tell. She sings the song with such wistfulness and yearning that you can't help but feel what she feels. She wants to go to this mythical land where everything's perfect and "where the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true."

Whenever I get lost in the Oz books or watch the movie, I find myself wishing that I could live in Oz. It's an idyllic land. Up until about 4 years ago, I never dared to let myself dream. I tried to be realistic and set goals that were grounded in reality. It made me miserable. The day I realized it was okay to let myself dream was an amazing day. You can't really live if you don't have any dreams.

Today I keep a lot of my deepest dreams to myself. I don't share them, but I revel in them. I long to fulfill them. And that yearning is a part of the same chord that Judy Garland's "Over the Rainbow" plucks on my heartstrings. I love that feeling.

Matthew Morrison's version differs from Judy's in several ways. Not just because it's a male voice singing. It's cheerful. "Glee"ful, if you will. It's celebrating the fact that this land exists, if we could only find it. Matthew accompanies himself on the ukulele. This adds a distinct flavor to the song. I'm a not a big ukulele fan. The tone is just a bit bright and glaring to me, but I love it in this version of a great song. This version of the song is just a bit faster, too.

I love this version of the song for it's cheerfulness. Simply put, listening to this version of "Over the Rainbow" makes me happy. And I really can't ask for more than that from a song.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Songs That Make Me Emotional (part one)...

...Okay, I'll be a little more honest. This will be a series of posts about songs that make me cry. And why.

I want to start with a song that I've been addicted to recently. I can't stop listening to it. And it has been during this recent addiction that this song has started to make me cry.

It's called "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks. The lines that particularly affect me are: "I'm not ready to make nice
, I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round. It's too late to make it right. I probably wouldn't if I could, 'Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should."

For most of my life I was constantly trying to do what I thought that others (including my parents, teachers and other influential adults) wanted me to do. I was a good student growing up (still am, actually), but I felt a lot of pressure to be amazing because I was known as a good student. I felt pressured by my parents to perform well in school even though my parents never explicitly expressed anything like that. Basically I tried to be perfect, even though I knew I was very, very flawed and though I was very tired of trying to keep up the perfect image.

This attitude of mine was very rough on me, particularly when I was younger and didn't realize why I was the way I was. I didn't realize that I wasn't acting entirely on my own desires. As I've started to make decisions and guide my life based on what I want, I recognize that it's been hard on my parents. Particularly when it comes to participation in church activities. I don't enjoy being at church and I don't want to be there. So I don't go. I know my parents don't like or understand this attitude. My mom sends my new address to the church every time I move, so that the local ward can find me. My dad sent a six page letter telling me that he was very disappointed in me for not going to church. While I understand their motives and believe they have good intentions, I can't make myself go to church because my parents want me to go. If I decide to go to church again, it will be because I want to go.

That's just one example. I could go through several others, but they're along the same idea.

Every time I've listened to "Not Ready To Make Nice" in the last couple of days I've started getting all choked up. It resonates with me, resonates with my soul. I think they're on the same frequency.

More to follow, though probably not today.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Decision Time...

...though it seems the decision was really made for me, I just had to accept it.

Still having sleep issues. So I decided just to sleep when I can, and if I can't, I'm going to try not to stress about it.

I might get tired. I might be a little out of it for a while. I have to believe that eventually my body will figure it out.

I think it's a least partially because of the heat, so once it starts cooling down again, I'll probably sleep better more consistently.

I hope.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Advance warning: This post will be an exploration of what I'm going through personally right now and what might possibly be the cause(s) of what I'm going through. Not really interested in giving my spin on what's happening in the world today. Also, I'm not really looking for people to start calling me and checking on me. I'm okay, just having a difficult couple of days.

I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm tired and sleepy, yet I can't sleep. It drives me nuts. As is common with other cases of depression, I'm relatively sure that my difficulties sleeping are related to my depression. I still don't think my depressive episodes are bad enough to warrant being medicated. I am backed in that opinion by the therapists I have seen. Of course, one of those therapists thought I was gay, or at the very least bi-sexual. So, who knows, maybe I do need to be medicated. But I don't think so. It's not constant.

Another contributing factor to my depression is my work schedule. I work the graveyard shift at a motel. For the most part I enjoy my job. There are things that irritate me about it, but hey, each job has its own irritations. Something I've noticed lately. When I'm at work I can't wait for the work week to be over. When I'm enjoying my days off, I can't wait to get back to work. My work schedule also is a direct cause of a large part of my depression.

I'm rather lonely. I tried to watch "Where the Wild Things Are" last night. I didn't even make it through 15 minutes. I was relating to the main character's loneliness and sense of isolation just a little too much. I will eventually watch the whole thing, and probably enjoy it, but not last night.

I have lots of friends. Unfortunately, my friends have busy lives and it's difficult to get together and hang out with them. Also, my work schedule makes it even more difficult to find a time when I could get together with a friend or two. Also, many of my friends don't live in the same city or even the same state as I do. There's a couple that don't live in the same country. So I get lonely. Most of the time I'm perfectly comfortable with spending lots of time on my own. I'm good at it. I enjoy it. I like reading. But sometimes I just want to be able to call somebody up and say, "Hey, want to catch a movie, or dinner, or just chat?"

Sometimes I also feel like I'm the only one making an effort to develop and extend the friendship. If I'm the only one that calls and says, "Let's do something," then after a couple attempts I feel like I'm being a little too persistent, or even possibly annoying. And yes, I recognize that this is my own perception, but if I'm never contacted to do anything, then I feel like I'm the only one making an effort. Does that make sense? I'm very tired and I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. It's possible that I've received invitations before and not been able to go and I'm just not remembering at the moment. Bleh.

Anyway, it all adds up to Adam being depressed and doing my best to maintain my emotions at an acceptable level. I don't really want any calls about this post. I like receiving phone calls and I like talking to my friends and family, but I don't want the sort of calls that start with or include, "I read your last post and I was really worried so I thought I should call." That's not the point of this particular post.

I guess it's pretty much just a venting post. If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with it. Impressive stamina.



...holding on.

By my fingernails.

That's all for now.