Birthdays

I turned 35 today.


I may be a bit young for this mentality, but I tend to ignore my birthdays as much as possible. When Chelsea asked if I was excited for my birthday, I quoted Vanessa Carlton, "Just a day, just an ordinary day." 


My principal reason for not making a big deal out of my birthday is that I am an introvert. I just don't like all the attention. If I am able to, I will usually take the day off of work. This year that wasn't an option, as I have plans for my vacation days.


I know that other people enjoy making a fuss about the person who is having a birthday. I usually try not to advertise my birthday, so I can avoid the fuss. Facebook has prevented this. So I've learned to be gracious and thank people for their well-wishes.


At the English Village, we have the students as questions of the teachers they've not had before. A popular question is "how old are you?" I've told my students this week that I am 34, but will be 35 this week. It takes them a moment to realize that I'm having a birthday. Then they clap. Last night, one girl told me, "Have a happy birthday tomorrow." It was very kind and thoughtful of her to remember.


I still don't think my birthday is a big deal, but I appreciate the thoughts of others.

Sergeants 3...

...is an interesting film.

I just watched it for the first time. From what I've read, it's a western remake of Gunga Din, starring the Rat Pack. I've never seen Gunga Din, so I can't comment on that aspect of the film. It was a fun movie, though. I actually felt like the acting was pretty solid. 

It made me a little bit homesick. Sergeants 3 was filmed in Southern Utah, specifically Bryce Canyon National Park and the canyons and area surrounding Kanab, UT. I grew up in Kanab. I recognized most of the scenery. Even knew a couple of the canyons. There was a lot of "Oh, I've been there quite a few times."

I decided to watch this movie because I've heard about it repeatedly throughout my life. My father was an extra during the filming of the movie. I watched for his face and never picked it out of the crowds. 

Whenever my dad talked about this movie, he had a very low opinions of the stars. The only member of the Rat Pack that he thought was a good guy was Sammy Davis Jr. Dad thought the other guys were jerks, to put it politely. 

Overall, it was fun to watch. I felt it was a little light on plot, that the story needed a little fleshing out, but it was worth a watch, even if you only watch it to try and pick out the face of a particular extra during the crowd scenes.
 

 

Hymns...

...are my favorites part of going to church.


In my church, the congregation sings hymns as a regular part of the worship services. Every week, as a group, we sing three to four hymns during the hour-long Sacrament Meeting.


I love it. Something I figured out about myself a long, long time ago is that I feel closer to God through music. That's how I worship. I enjoy singing, and it's something I'm good at. 


The chorister (the person who leads the congregation in singing the hymns) in the branch I attend is something of an elitist when it comes to music. She tends to choose more obscure hymns that nobody knows and when she deigns to choose a hymn that everyone knows well, she sings her own descant, belting out notes above the rest of the congregation.


Last week, after the first verse of the rest hymn we were singing, she stopped the hymn and told us we were singing it incorrectly. That really irritated me, enough that I left the room for the duration of the hymn. With how I feel about music, it felt like she told me I was worshiping wrong. I didn't like it.


Yesterday, as I got ready to sing the opening hymn, I noticed that the chorister was absent. Yay! All the hymns we were going to sing were hymns that I knew and loved. Double yay! I was really enjoying myself. 


Apparently she was just late to services, as she showed up to direct the rest hymn. As the congregation was standing, she made her way directly to the podium to give us some thoughts on what the hymn means. I thought that was unnecessary, and couldn't figure out why she was doing that until I realized that she was hinting how to sing the hymn correctly.


This time, I stuck around to sing the hymn, mostly because she didn't stop us after one verse to correct us. 


Now, I've been in choirs since I hit puberty in the eighth grade. If I'm in a choir and the director wants the song sung a particular way, that's fine. That's what choirs do. A congregation is NOT a choir. 


Okay, this rant's over. There may be another, but I'm not sure.

My Reading Tastes

Anybody who knows me, or who has read this blog, knows that I love to read. It's one of my favorite activities and has been for as long as I can remember. 


Growing up, every member of my family loved to go to their own corner of the house and read. My older brother is famous for disappearing, only to be found reading in some odd spot, like, say, the woodpile. It was what we did.


I get attached to the characters in the books I read. That's why I read books over and over again. I like discovering new books, but it can be scary. I hate being disappointed by something I read, so it's easier to keep reading what I've read before. 


Out of all the genres, my absolute favorite is Fantasy. I don't like Science Fiction, which often gets lumped together with Fantasy. I think I make the taste distinction because most science fiction is based on some scientific fact or possibility, whereas fantasy is most often pure imagination. 


I like the escapist nature of Fantasy. I like visiting worlds where good and evil are fairly well defined. I like that a normal person can wake up one day with magical powers and save the world. It's a nice feeling. 


And Fantasy taps into daydreams and, well, fantasies that I have. The last work of science fiction that did that was the movie the Matrix. I've often wondered, "What if this life is a dream and I just can't wake up?" I don't often dream of laser guns and flying through space. I dream of seeing the world around me in a new light. I dream of tapping into the elemental forces of the world and using that power to create something wonderful and new. 


Not too long ago, I discovered a new sub-genre of Fantasy: Urban Fantasy. These are tales of magic and mythology that take place in the real world. These creatures that people think are just legends and myths are real, they've just been in hiding, waiting for a chance to step into the light and be accepted. Or they are struggling to maintain the secret of their existence. This again ties into my daydreams and fantasies. I like to think, "What if these creatures and people were real and had to exist in the real world? How would wizards and dragons and vampires and werewolves deal with technology and a population that doesn't believe they can exist?"


I love Fantasy. I want to write Fantasy. I make forays into other realms of fiction, but I always come back to the realm of the impossible, so that I can dream and wish that I lived in that sort of world.

What It Feels Like...

...when I am depressed.


It usually takes me a while to figure out I'm actually depressed. Sometimes it can take days. Usually, the quicker I figure it out, the quicker I can get over it. 


I know that depression is rather baffling for those who don't suffer from it, so I thought I would try and explain how my depression feels to me. I realize it is different for everyone, but I imagine that there are aspects that are similar, if not the same.


When I am in the middle of a depression, it feels rather like I am in the middle of a dense emotional fog. Any plans that I have for the future feel like they're rather unlikely to succeed, because I can't see that far ahead anymore. I try to stay on track, but it's hard to see the path and know where it's going. Even more immediate endeavors that are successful surprise me. About all I can see and cope with are my immediate decisions and actions. For someone, like me, who likes to plan ahead and choose my actions carefully, this state of mind is rather stressful.


I begin to fear talking to other people. Not because I'm worried about what they'll say to me, but because I'm worried about what I'll say to them.  See, I'm an intelligent and clever person. Sometimes the first thing I think of as a response isn't very nice. It's clever, but not nice. While depressed, I can't always filter what I say, and I don't want to ruin a potentially long-lasting friendship because I'm depressed.  Plus, generally, I try to be careful of the feelings of those around me. If I can't be sure of how someone will react to what I'm going to say, it feels safer to just withdraw into myself until I'm more in control of my words.


I find myself getting bored very easily, yet I find myself possessing a kind of nervous energy. I feel like I should be occupied with something, but can't focus. It's distracting and has a tendency to make me rather irritable.


When reading or watching a TV show or movie, I like to get emotionally involved in the characters. At least, while I'm in a normal state of mind. When I'm depressed, I can get too involved in the characters and it can have rather surprising consequences for me.  About eight years ago, the seventh season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer had just come out on DVD. I had missed watching the show while it was being broadcast, so I was very excited to finish off the series. Of course, I was in the middle of a depression and was a little too involved. During the course of the season, a character that had been around since the very first episode got his eye poked out rather maliciously by one of the season's villains. At the end of the episode where that happened, I came back to myself huddled up in the fetal position, crying my eyes out. I could barely breathe. Now I choose what I entertain myself with very carefully when I'm feeling down.


My last observation is that, while depressed, it's not that I can't feel happy. I do sometimes. It's more like there's a damper on my more positive emotions. If I hear something that would normally make me laugh, I'll usually just smile. If it would make me smile, my mouth will twitch. I still enjoy the same things, my enjoyment is just reduced.


So that's it. If i observe other effects the next time I'm depressed, I'll try to make note of it and make a post about it.

Current State of Mind...

I came to a realization the other day. It's not really all that revolutionary or earth-shaking, but I feel like it's a pretty accurate barometric reading of my mental state lately.


I realized there were two songs on my iPod that were receiving more play-time than the others. I just kept repeating them over and over, alternating which song I was listening to depending on how I was feeling at the moment.


The two songs? Iridescent by Linkin Park and Al Fin Me Armé de Valor by Reyli Barba. I've started putting playlists together based on these songs, but I wanted to discuss why I was listening to these two so much.


Iridescent comes from Linkin Park's most recent album, A Thousand Suns. It's a surprising album, differing from the Rock/Rap that brought the group such popularity. I think it shows a group that's not afraid to mature and evolve in the music they perform. It will be interesting to see where the group goes from here.


The lyrics that have been speaking to me from Iridescent are as follows:

"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go."


It's a rather concise and straightforward way to say, "Pick yourself up and brush yourself off." Part of the reason this speaks so strongly to me is the way Chester Bennington sings the lyrics. Guy's got a pretty amazing voice, truth be told, and he injects a lot of emotion into this song.


I've been listening to this on the days when I've been feeling more down and sad. I just keep hitting repeat until I feel better. And it has been working. It usually only takes a couple listenings before I'm ready to move on and be happy again.


Al Fin Me Armé de Valor is the basis for a new playlist I've entitled "Kiss My Ass." Really, the whole song is pretty key to making me feel better. If I wasn't usually wearing headphones when listening to this song, I would sing along as loudly as I possibly could. 


Basically, Reyli sings that he's tired of all the crap his girlfriend has put him through. He's dumping her. He's finally armed himself with valor, with bravery, and he's dumping her, because really, he's put everything into the relationship and she's just abused him. 


On the days when I'm fed up with the tensions at work and the changes and stupidity that the teachers have to put up with I listen to this song several times and I feel better. Happier. Vindicated. 


It also works on the days when the students are little bastards that I want to squish under my feet. 


I like these songs. I love listening to them. And I am so glad that I can vent through songs and I don't have to find another way to feel better.

Processing...

I feel the need to work through some thoughts I've been having.


See, I enjoy my job. Quite a bit, actually. Sometimes I have rough days when the students are pains in the butt and my coworkers aren't much better, but overall, I have a pretty good time while I'm at work. 


I feel appreciated and valuable, and that goes a long way to making me happy. There's nothing I dislike more in a job than feeling like my employers or coworkers are taking advantage of me.  I like to be willing to help wherever and however I'm needed. When I start feeling oppressed, I want to say "no" to new requests, and I don't like being in that mindset.


In a couple weeks our winter month-long VIP program will be starting. We will have students here and they will stay for a month. It's a big deal and there's a lot of prep that goes into this program. I requested to work in Special Programs. Special Programs will still have new students every week and won't work with the ones here all month. I particularly enjoy working with the Special Programs coordinator (basically an assistant manager). She is an amazing supervisor and there's not much I wouldn't do for her.


At the Village, the teachers rotate between various shifts. There are two shifts running Monday through Friday. One shift works 9 to 6, the other 1 to 9. There is also a weekend shift. Whenever new shifts are being scheduled, I've requested to be on Monday through Friday so as to attend church on Sunday. I've never specified what hours I want to work. I prefer 9 to 6, though. It just fits me better personally. 


For half of October and all of November I worked on the 1 to 9 shift. On the 5th of December I was switched  back to 9 to 6. Hooray! Unfortunately, three weeks after back onto my preferred shift, I'm getting switched back to 1 to 9 for the duration of VIP. 


I'm a little bummed. 


I wrote an email to the manager. All I told him was that I was excited to be working with Special Programs but a little bummed to be shunted back to the night shift. That's all. And that's as far as my complaining will go. I don't see any point to bitching and moaning and begging to be on the morning shift. Sometimes I wish I was the type of person that could do that. I really do. I'm not that kind of person, though. I'll just do the best I can with what I'm assigned to do.


I'm a little worried about how this will affect the shift rotation following VIP. Will the manager in charge of shift assignments take into account that I've been working 1 to 9 for Special Programs? Or will she just look at the shift assignment email she sent out, see that she assigned me to the morning and condemn me to an additional two months of night shifts? 


That's my big worry. I don't want to have to work the night shift for four and a half months with just a three-week break of blissful morning schedules.


I guess as long as I keep ending up on the Monday through Friday schedule I'll just try to be grateful for that.