My Visit Home...

...was very rough on me.

My dad is suffering from dementia. We figure he has, or is developing, Alzheimer's. Hasn't been officially diagnosed, but all the indicators are there.

I went to Kanab to get my car inspected and registered, and to help my mom keep an eye on Dad. During the day, he's usually fairly normal, but once the sun goes down, he starts getting more and more agitated and upset.

You can't convince him to go to bed. Apparently, he's afraid that if he goes to sleep, he will die. At least, that's what he told my brother before. So I didn't get much sleep while I was there, as I would sit up with Dad until he went to bed, then I would lie on the floor in the room next to his, and try to sleep as much as possible. Then I would nap during the day for a couple hours.

Friday was really, really bad. He didn't get normal during the day; he was very agitated all day. He wouldn't go for a ride with one of his friends. In the evening, he said he was going to die because he wasn't breathing. I tried to explain that he WAS breathing, because he was still talking, but he just said we would see. He told my mom to give him a hug goodbye. Then he went to sleep. He woke up about an hour later.

He was up all night. He got me this morning, very agitated. I couldn't handle him, so I got my mom, who called my sister and brother-in-law. They took him to the hospital. The doctor on duty ran tests, then gave him a shot that would supposedly put him out all day, and most of the night as well. That was at 7 or 8 in the morning, but he was awake and agitated by the time I left at noon. I hated to leave Mom and Dad like that, but I wanted to go visit my brother and sister-in-law, and, to be honest, I just couldn't take it anymore.

I think he would do better if he would just sleep. His body is obviously exhausted, but his mind won't let him go to sleep. I don't know what to do.

My Life in Review: Wizard of Oz Pop Up Book

I recently was sent a 40% off coupon for Borders. I knew what I wanted, and the website indicated it was in stock, so off to Borders I went. And spent an hour trying to find something I wanted to buy, as what I had originally planned to buy was not there.

At the end of that hour, I remembered another book I wanted. And it was in stock!

It's a pop-up book. The Wizard of Oz. And it is a work of art. So I decided to include pictures in this review.

Here's the cover:

With each page turn, there is a large, two page spread pop-up diorama. There are also smaller pop-ups, with a lot more story included as well. In the smaller sections you meet Dorothy's fellow travelers, as well as see an action shot of the wicked witch melting. It's a great design.

Now, this picture may not look all that impressive, but the tornado actually twists as you open the book! It's amazing!


Here's the Emerald City. I like the architecture of the city. Also included are green spectacles to wear. If you're familiar with the book, you'll understand why.


The final picture is of the scene where the wizard flies away in the balloon. The balloon is suspended from string so that it dangles and sways when you turn to this page. Hanging underneath is the wizard in the basket. Sorry for the picture quality.


Anyway, this was a great purchase, and I love this particular depiction of my favorite book.

Song of the Week

I don't really intend this to be a regular feature, but I couldn't figure out what else to title this post.

I've been relating quite a bit to a Patrick Fiori song called "Je Ne Serai Jamais." It really fits, for the most part, how I feel about myself. Kind of cool.

Here are the lyrics in French:

Je ne serai jamais ni l'ombre d'un homme
Ni le pâle reflet d'un autre que moi
Je suis toutes mes failles mes blessures et mes fautes
Je suis ce que tu vois

Je ne serai jamais le héros de tes fables
Ni ce beau chevalier dont tu rêves parfois
Si je dresse mes bras en murs infranchissables
Tu vois je ne suis, je ne suis que moi

Je ne serai jamais ni prince d'illusion
Ni de ces beaux marquis si brillants et narquois
Je suis de mon histoire de mes passés, de mes passions
Je suis ce que je crois

Je ne serai jamais un regret pour mes pères
Un de ces baladins à la solde d'un roi
Et je veux des enfants toujours fiers d'être fier
Je suis ce que je dois

Mais je pourrais ma belle si tu le demandais
Décrocher les étoiles te couvrir de soie
Faire enfin de mes bras le plus beau des palais
Mais je ne serai jamais, jamais que moi

Je ne serai jamais, jamais que moi.

And my quick and dirty English translation follows:

I never will be the shadow of a man
nor the pale reflection of another person
I am all of my failures, my emotional wounds, my faults
I am that which you see

I never will be one of the heroes from a fairy tale
Nor that handsome knight you sometimes dream of
If I put up impenetrable walls around my heart
You'll see I'm not, not anyone but me

I never will be that fairy-tale prince
Nor that handsome marquis, so brilliant and mocking
I am made of my history, my past, and my passions
I am that which I believe

I never will be a regret for my parents
Nor a minstrel in the pay of a king
And I want children I can be proud of
I am what I should be

But I could, my dear, if you asked me
Bring you stars from the heavens and cover you in silk
And make by my own hands a palace most grand
But I never, never will be, anyone but me.


So, yeah, it's a very, very rough translation, but I really enjoy the song and relate to almost every line.

No, I'm not going to say which lines I don't relate to.

Coming soon, a review, with pictures, of a book I bought recently.

My Life in Review: Recent Music Purchases

I recently was introduced to a music download service that is much more affordable than iTunes, and is compatible with iTunes. The songs only cost 9 cents each. It doesn't have quite the selection that iTunes does, but it actually manages to have some albums that iTunes doesn't. It's a good thing, I think. Really liking it.

And my music collection is growing by leaps and bounds. Scary, really.

I just bought the album Funhouse by Pink. I like Pink, and I have really, really enjoyed a lot of her songs. This is the first complete album of hers that I've bought. It's mind-blowingly fantastic! It does not have a single song that I don't want to listen to again. In fact, using the rating system, of the 14 tracks, only 4 are three-star songs, and those are the lowest rated on the album. One five-star song, and the rest are four. Pretty amazing. It's still very much a Pink album, but there's an emotional, vulnerable edge to the songs. Can you have a vulnerable edge? Did I just invent an oxymoron? Anyway, it's a great album. I'm completely floored by how much I love it.

Oh, and I figured out who my guilty pleasure is, as far as music is concerned: Kelly Clarkson. I keep buying her songs, I can't help it, and I like them. Just don't tell anyone, okay?

Five-Star Songs...

One of my readers told me they enjoy my posts where I do lists. I've been trying to think of another list to do, and I finally have one.

In my iTunes library I have 3,293 songs. According to iTunes, it would take me 8 days, 13 hours, 5 minutes and 47 seconds to listen to each song once through, all in a row.

That's a lot of music. I try to use the rating system faithfully. I won't often change a rating once I've assigned it to a song, but it does happen.

Out of those 3,293 songs, there are only 39 that I felt deserved a five-star rating. Some of my criteria for giving a five-star rating are: I have to have an emotional connection to the song; it's a song that I rarely, if ever, skip when it pops up on a random playlist of the entire library; it's a song that I generally will play several times in a row, that I just can't get enough of. There are other criteria, but those are the ones that are easily describeable.

I won't make comments about each song, as this will be a huge post anyway. Also, the songs aren't in any order of preference. They are all five-star songs.

1. Answer by Sarah McLachlan
2. Again Today by Brandi Carlile
3. Arms of Love by Amy Grant
4. Maria by Blondie
5. Hold On by the University of Illinois Rip Chords: Originally by Wilson Phillips, this is an a cappella version. And this song has become one of my life anthems.
6. I Wish the Best For You by Emerson Hart
7. Feels Like Tonight by Daughtry: this song recently moved from four-star to five.
8. Nella Fantasia by Amici Forever
9. So Far Away by Amici Forever
10. Land and Freedom by Amici Forever
11. Smooth Criminal by David Garrett: a Michael Jackson song, performed on the violin.
12. He's a Pirate by David Garrett: the theme song from Pirates of the Carribean, on the violin.
13. Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel
14. High Enough by Damn Yankees
15. Walkin' in Memphis by the U of Wisconsin MadHatters: an a cappella version of the Marc Cohn song.
16. Already Home by Ha-Ash and Brandi Carlile
17. Highwayman by the Highwaymen: This group includes Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, Kris Kristofferson and Johnny Cash, and it's just a frickin' cool song.
18. Between the Lines by Sarah Bareilles
19. City by Sarah Bareilles
20. Gravity by Sarah Bareilles
21. (You Want To) Make a Memory by Bon Jovi
22. Any Other Day by Bon Jovi
23. If You're Gone by Matchbox Twenty
24. Come What May by Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman
25. Nearer My God to Thee by BYU Vocal Point: Amazing version with latin being chanted/sung behind the words to the hymn.
26. Dechire from Notre Dame de Paris
27. Tu Vas Me Detruire from Notre Dame de Paris
28. Lune from Notre Dame de Paris: I particularly love the line(Translated): "see how a man can suffer from love."
29. A Change in Me from Disney's On the Record: originally from the Broadway Beauty and the Beast. I experienced deep, wrenching, cleansing sobs when I listened to this song the first time and it came to the line: "For now I realize that good can come from bad. That may not make me wise, but, oh, it makes me glad."
30. I'm Movin' On by Rascal Flatts: "I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons. Finally content with a past I regret."
31. Creep (The acoustic version) by Radiohead
32. Lie to Me by Bon Jovi
33. Something to Believe In by Bon Jovi
34. Fools Like Me by Lisa Loeb: "Love was surely meant for fools like me."
35. Gives You Hell by the All-American Rejects: I can NOT stop smiling when I listen to this song.
36. I'm Not That Girl from Wicked: I've often felt that I'm not that boy that girls would want to fall in love with.
    
37. Defying Gravity from Wicked
38. As Long As You're Mine from Wicked
39. Over the Rainbow by Judy Garland from The Wizard of Oz: Whenever I watch this movie, I always cry when she sings this song. Always.

There you go. What do you think?

Things I Enjoy...

My friend Julie does this sort of list every now and again on her blog. I thought I'd give it a shot. I don't know that it will be as long as hers, but I'll do it anyway.

So there!

Things I enjoy:

Being naked

Trying recipes

Delivering pizzas when little kids answer the door

Legalsounds.com

Icanhascheezburger.com

Pushing Daisies

Just sitting and thinking

Well, that's all you get, because that's all I can think of at the moment. I thought about doing explanations for each item, but changed my mind. It's more fun this way. :)

So there.

Parental Advisory....

....explicit content.

No, really, I'm really going to rant this blog. I don't usually like to include vulgar terms, but I don't know that I'll be able to stop this time. Read on at your own risk.

I hate Bart Smith.

Really.

The stupid bastard probably has no idea what he has done to me this past week. Even worse, he most likely does not care.

He is the franchise owner of the Domino's Pizza I work for. He writes the checks. And my paycheck bounced. Among the other little goals that I had for that money that I wasn't able to accomplish, this occurrence sent me into a nasty depression. Every single fucking time I get depressed, it makes me doubt every single goal and dream that I aspire to. So now, after Bart's lovely escapade, I have to somehow get my head screwed on straight again, against every part of me that is screaming that I should just wallow in despair.

I realized today that I after this last hellish week, I don't want to even try for grad school. Damn this depression.

I know that's what I want, but have no drive to try for it. I get paid again tomorrow, and if that check bounces as well, I don't know what I'll do.

I'm pissed at Bart, but I'm pissed at myself too. I'm mad, and completely enervated.

And annoyed that every single time I try to make goals and start to accomplish them, actually do good things for myself, that something bad happens to throw me off track.

I really have problems with the divine equity of that track record.

Rant over, depression continues.