The Songs That Make Me Emotional (part one)...

...Okay, I'll be a little more honest. This will be a series of posts about songs that make me cry. And why.

I want to start with a song that I've been addicted to recently. I can't stop listening to it. And it has been during this recent addiction that this song has started to make me cry.

It's called "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks. The lines that particularly affect me are: "I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round. It's too late to make it right. I probably wouldn't if I could, 'Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should."

For most of my life I was constantly trying to do what I thought that others (including my parents, teachers and other influential adults) wanted me to do. I was a good student growing up (still am, actually), but I felt a lot of pressure to be amazing because I was known as a good student. I felt pressured by my parents to perform well in school even though my parents never explicitly expressed anything like that. Basically I tried to be perfect, even though I knew I was very, very flawed and though I was very tired of trying to keep up the perfect image.

This attitude of mine was very rough on me, particularly when I was younger and didn't realize why I was the way I was. I didn't realize that I wasn't acting entirely on my own desires. As I've started to make decisions and guide my life based on what I want, I recognize that it's been hard on my parents. Particularly when it comes to participation in church activities. I don't enjoy being at church and I don't want to be there. So I don't go. I know my parents don't like or understand this attitude. My mom sends my new address to the church every time I move, so that the local ward can find me. My dad sent a six page letter telling me that he was very disappointed in me for not going to church. While I understand their motives and believe they have good intentions, I can't make myself go to church because my parents want me to go. If I decide to go to church again, it will be because I want to go.

That's just one example. I could go through several others, but they're along the same idea.

Every time I've listened to "Not Ready To Make Nice" in the last couple of days I've started getting all choked up. It resonates with me, resonates with my soul. I think they're on the same frequency.

More to follow, though probably not today.