Advance warning: This post will be an exploration of what I'm going through personally right now and what might possibly be the cause(s) of what I'm going through. Not really interested in giving my spin on what's happening in the world today. Also, I'm not really looking for people to start calling me and checking on me. I'm okay, just having a difficult couple of days.
I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm tired and sleepy, yet I can't sleep. It drives me nuts. As is common with other cases of depression, I'm relatively sure that my difficulties sleeping are related to my depression. I still don't think my depressive episodes are bad enough to warrant being medicated. I am backed in that opinion by the therapists I have seen. Of course, one of those therapists thought I was gay, or at the very least bi-sexual. So, who knows, maybe I do need to be medicated. But I don't think so. It's not constant.
Another contributing factor to my depression is my work schedule. I work the graveyard shift at a motel. For the most part I enjoy my job. There are things that irritate me about it, but hey, each job has its own irritations. Something I've noticed lately. When I'm at work I can't wait for the work week to be over. When I'm enjoying my days off, I can't wait to get back to work. My work schedule also is a direct cause of a large part of my depression.
I'm rather lonely. I tried to watch "Where the Wild Things Are" last night. I didn't even make it through 15 minutes. I was relating to the main character's loneliness and sense of isolation just a little too much. I will eventually watch the whole thing, and probably enjoy it, but not last night.
I have lots of friends. Unfortunately, my friends have busy lives and it's difficult to get together and hang out with them. Also, my work schedule makes it even more difficult to find a time when I could get together with a friend or two. Also, many of my friends don't live in the same city or even the same state as I do. There's a couple that don't live in the same country. So I get lonely. Most of the time I'm perfectly comfortable with spending lots of time on my own. I'm good at it. I enjoy it. I like reading. But sometimes I just want to be able to call somebody up and say, "Hey, want to catch a movie, or dinner, or just chat?"
Sometimes I also feel like I'm the only one making an effort to develop and extend the friendship. If I'm the only one that calls and says, "Let's do something," then after a couple attempts I feel like I'm being a little too persistent, or even possibly annoying. And yes, I recognize that this is my own perception, but if I'm never contacted to do anything, then I feel like I'm the only one making an effort. Does that make sense? I'm very tired and I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. It's possible that I've received invitations before and not been able to go and I'm just not remembering at the moment. Bleh.
Anyway, it all adds up to Adam being depressed and doing my best to maintain my emotions at an acceptable level. I don't really want any calls about this post. I like receiving phone calls and I like talking to my friends and family, but I don't want the sort of calls that start with or include, "I read your last post and I was really worried so I thought I should call." That's not the point of this particular post.
I guess it's pretty much just a venting post. If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with it. Impressive stamina.
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2 weeks ago