Thursday, June 12, 2008

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind...

One of my favorite songs is "I'm Movin' On" by Rascal Flatts. It's a beautiful song that has made me cry many times in the 9 years I have been listening to it. It starts out with the lyrics "I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons. Finally content with a past I regret. I've found you find strengths in your moments of weakness, for once I'm a peace with myself. I've been trapped in the past, burdened with blame for too long: I'm movin' on."

I don't dislike myself anymore. That's a good thing. I feel like I can be proud of myself, of how far I've come. Does this mean that there's nowhere else to go, nothing left to improve? Hell no. But I don't have to despise a part of myself in order to make changes and improve. Do I sometimes wish I had made different decisions in the past? Yes. But I can't go back in time and choose something else, so why dwell upon it in misery? For example, the one time I had sex. Was it a stupid decision? For the most part, yes. Can I take it back? No. Can I not repeat the mistake? Certainly.

Sometimes changes take time. If it's something that was habitual for many, many years, than it can take even more time. I masturbated before going to sleep every night for years upon years, to the point that sleep became a conditioned response. Which made it hard to go to sleep without it. Have I finally gotten past that? Yes. I haven't eliminated the habit completely, but I've finally reconditioned myself to the point that I don't need to masturbate to get to sleep. And I'm starting to eliminate the habit itself. It's a goal now because I'm a control freak and don't like to have something in my life control, not because I think it's evil. And I'm finally realizing that having this habit in my past doesn't make me a bad person. I'm just a person, who's a pretty decent fellow to be around.

I like being comfortable with walking out of a movie if it offends me. I don't avoid movies because of a rating. I don't like some committee telling me what's acceptable to see. And the ratings aren't all that accurate anyway. But that's a soapbox for another time. Maybe.

I like being spiritual. I'm not so sure about being religious. There are aspects to my religion that I really enjoy. The rest I can live with. But I refuse to go through the motions because I'm expected to. If I participate, it's because I want to participate and I'm feeling the spirit. When I go, I'm not there to be seen at church. I'm there to feel the spirit.

I love that I cry when something touches me. I cry at music, movies, books, church, at nature, and many other things. It's natural and it's wonderful. Tears can cleanse our spirits if we let them.

I like being me. What I've written will probably shock and surprise two of the three people that read this. I've felt all day that I wanted to finally get this off my chest, so to speak. I don't know that my entire family necessarily needs to know this, but not many read my blog. Mom, if you feel you need to discuss it with someone, Di would be a good choice. Maybe Andi. But I would appreciate it if you wouldn't discuss it with my other siblings.

And now I feel good. I was a little nervous to start off, but I feel nice now.

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