Sunday, June 6, 2010

I Don't Think I Can Explain It...

...but I guess I should try.

My dad's been in a care center for the last 5 or 6 months. Before that, he was in the Mental Ward of the VA hospital in Salt Lake City. I haven't visited with him since I went to Kanab August 2009.

While I was in Kanab, Dad was having serious issues. When the sun went down he would get extremely agitated and wouldn't sleep. Mom needed someone there to stay up with him and keep an eye on him. The week after I left, Dad kept trying to get out of the house at night so he could walk the block between our house and the highway to throw himself in front of a truck.

Supposedly, he's doing much better now, but I just can't bring myself to go visit. For a whole bunch of reasons.

Yes, this makes me selfish and slightly unreasonable. However, I don't think it would be good for me. I have enough issues with depression and anxiety that I don't want to add to it. And I have serious issues with care centers. Yes, Dad is at a nicer one, but it's still a care center. Also, even when Dad was not afflicted with mental problems, we never really had all that much to say to each other. Mostly because all he wanted to talk about was me going to church. Not my thing.

Do I have some daddy abandonment issues? Maybe. However, I just don't want to put myself through the ordeal of forcing myself to go into a care center. Especially to talk to someone focused on trying to convince me to go to church.

Am I selfish and possibly a little childish? Yes. But realizing that doesn't make me want to put things aside and go to the care center.

Told you I couldn't really explain it.


jgirl said...

I'm so sorry your Dad has ailed so much Adam...I was just in Kanab last weekend and drove past your house and my Grandparents old house...I really can't do it anymore either, it makes me too sad.

refugee from reason said...

From what I've read on your venue, you appear to be a creative man of fortitude. Though I don't know you, I'm sure you will work your way through all of this.

All the best.

The Robinsons said...

Adam, the reason your dad always wants to talk about the church is that it is and always has been one of the most important things in his life. I remember him telling me while down the Grand Canyon hiking that the only way he made it through the death of his first wife and being a single father to seven children was through his faith that he would be reunited with his wife and kids and knowing that "holding to the iron rod" would be worth it no matter how hard things got. Ever since that experience, and you can verify this with my mom who knew him before and after Patsy, he started giving less and less importance to other things that he didn't think were important. Despite all of that Adam, I know from talking with him out fishing, hunting, and hiking, that there is nothing in the world that is more important to him than his children's happiness. I also know that he believes whole heartedly the affirmation made by the dying Alma in Alma 41:11 as he gave council to his son. I do understand how sad you get seeing him like this though. It is difficult to watch people that you love suffer. All I can tell you is that we're here for you if you need anything.
Also, I think you should visit Larson if for no other reason than because you know it would make him happy to see you.

Derrick Robinson.

paul, jaylene, kaden and karter said...

i too think that you should go visit him. and the reason i think you should could also be considered selfish; that once he is gone, you will feel horrible for missing out on seeing him. or at least i know thats how i would feel. good luck, i hope youre doin ok.