Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Songs That Make Me Emotional (Part Four)...

"There's been a change in me. A kind of moving on, though what I used to be I still depend upon. For now I realize that good can come from bad. That may not make me wise, but, oh, it makes me glad.

And I...I never thought I'd leave behind my childhood dreams, but I don't mind, for now I love the world I see. No change of heart, a change in me.

For in my dark despair I slowly understood my perfect world out there had disappeared for good. But in it's place I feel a newer life begin and it's so good and real it must come from within.

And I... I never thought I'd leave behind my childhood dreams, but I don't mind. I'm where and who I want to be. No change of heart, a change in me."

I first heard the song, "A Change in Me," on the soundtrack to Disney's On the Record, a production using songs from 75 years worth of Disney music. I hadn't heard the song before because it is from the Broadway production of Beauty and the Beast.

I had listened to the song maybe 3 or 4 times, but hadn't actually paid attention to the lyrics. I had just come back from a movie and I was sitting in the parking lot of my Mesa, AZ apartment and I actually listened to the lyrics. I started crying so hard I could barely breathe.

It had finally hit home that I needed to make changes in my life. I had to start deciding what I wanted and go for it.

I spent the majority of my life trying to be the person I thought other people wanted me to be. That's honestly a very stressful way to live. Having lived that way for 25 years, it's almost as stressful to decide who and what I want to be. I'm still working on it. It has involved a lot of surgery. Some parts of me I've been able to go in with a laser and cut out he exact trait I didn't like. Some of which involved therapy that I actually felt did me some good. Other parts that I had to get rid of were so rooted that it was like hacking away with a dull axe. I've also been doing some rebuilding and fortifying.

One of the big realizations I made with the help of therapy was that it is okay to dream. I had been so focused on being practical and trying to obtain what was within my reach that I lost the ability to dream. Getting that back has been a lifesaver. I don't get as depressed as before and the depressed periods I have are much more infrequent.

I'm a very spiritual person. I trust my feelings and innate sense of right and wrong to guide me. In attempting to hack away dead growths stunting the growth of my spirituality and sense of truth, I may have gone too far. At least according to some. I don't trust organized religions, including the church I grew up in. I believe in truth, wherever I may find it. I still believe in God. And good. And I feel good about where I'm at faith and religion-wise.

The best part is, I like myself now. I think I'm a pretty decent guy. It makes me sad to think how much i loathed myself before, how worthless I thought I was. No more. I like me. I'm still looking for more of what and who I want to be, but I've made a decent start. I can only get better from here.

"I'm where and who i want to be. No change of heart, a change in me."




3 comments:

refugee from reason said...

"It makes me sad to think how much i loathed myself before, how worthless I thought I was. No more. I like me. I'm still looking for more of what and who I want to be, but I've made a decent start. I can only get better from here."

While I may have said this before, you're a remarkably honest fellow who's well-expressed and sounds like someone I'd like to meet one day.

I must say, however, that I've never thought there were any "perfect worlds[s]," just that in which we live...as to "dark despair," while very dreadful, we learn and, God help me for saying this, grow from it. After all, Dylan Thomas wrote, in Under Milkwood, "...stout and ale is good for a baby in a milking pale."

Keep living...keep writing.

jgirl said...

living life for yourself somehow makes it all worthwhile...keep it up! ;0)

Adam said...

@refugee: I don't like those lines as much as the rest of the song. I think despair is dark as is, so to say "dark despair" is rather redundant. I tend to overlook that verse when listening to the song. I would also be interested in having a sit-down discussion with you one day.

@jgirl: I agree, it's worth the effort. Though some days it takes more effort than others. :)